pitiful and nauseous

Thank God I have an appointment with Dr. Shrink tomorrow, because am I ever having a bad evening.

I am tempted to make a joke, but I'm so depressed I feel like I'm going to throw up. All day long it rained...but I don't have a problem with that. It's the people who call and treat me like I'm a retarded three-year-old when I say the "beautiful day" spiel. HI. I HAVE TO SAY IT. IT'S NOT OPTIONAL. NOW GO FUCK YOURSELF. I had forgotten about the smartasses calling and saying, "Um, it's actually NOT beautiful, it's RAINING; I mean, have you LOOKED OUTSIDE?" and I'd just like to pinch their little heads off. There was one woman who called TWICE today and said that each time, like she's an emeffing comedienne or something. I just wanted to go "HAW HAW HAW!" and then hang up on her stupid ass.

Also, there is the call volume. I got at least thirty trillion calls today, and I forwarded some up to the front desk because I couldn't get to them in time, and the front desk girl came back and lectured me about it. Which, fine. Whatever. I suck at everything, the end.

Jesus. This is why I need therapy.

My stomach hurts and I want to cry. I was so sure that going back was going to be a good thing, but I feel...I don't know what I feel. I don't want to fucking work anymore. Everybody's an asshole. I want to work by myself and not have to deal with people. Why can't I do that?

It's not good for me to work full-time. I am not ready. There is a serious lack of sleep issue happening, too, and fuck a duck, I forgot there is a headlight out on my car. DAMN IT TO HELL. Well, I need to go take care of that.

Okay, so it wasn't out. I just had to jiggle it a little. Well, that's the second time it's happened and I guess that's a good thing. So just ALMOST everything sucks today. Great.

So now I AM crying. This makes a lot of sense. What is WRONG with me?

I was thinking earlier--okay, I need to tell Dr. Shrink that the Zoloft is NOT working. I mean, who even knows if it's doing anything for my depression? It could be the Seroquel that I take every night to sleep that is keeping me from doing away with myself. God knows I could not exist without the Klonopin. The PTSD has mostly disappeared, and as far as I'm concerned, that's just because I managed to get past it in therapy. Plus...y'all? We're all friends here, right? And some of you know this anyway. The Zoloft is causing...female issues of the sort I've never before had to deal with, and since I do have a relationship to think about, however confusing and fragmented it is, I LIKE having said relationship and all the benefits that go along with it and Mr. Zoloft is throwing a big fat hairy wrench into the situation.

So. Tomorrow we talk about Mr. Zoloft. Tomorrow, hopefully, we will say goodbye to Mr. Zoloft. Even if I have to pay full price for something else since I no longer have health insurance and I have almost a hundred Mr. Zolofts left. Bah.

I lost my train of thought. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about switching from Zoloft. And then I thought, what if I never find anything that works? I cannot, CANNOT live like this for the rest of my life. What if I find one medication that works and then five years down the road it stops working? Then what?

Wow, I am just a barrel of happiness and joy tonight, aren't I? Um, no. Okay. Tonight I am doing really, really bad. Tonight I'm having Those Thoughts. My heart aches and I don't know what to do. I would just like to go to sleep and never wake up. Just sleep forever. That sounds good to me.