well, that didn't last long

Two days ago, I had to leave my job, because they made me. Long story short, I violated a policy I wasn't aware existed. I don't really want to go into it, mostly because, unless you worked at the same place at the same time, it would be difficult to explain why I was...erm...let go.

So, once again, I am unemployed. Score!

Immediately afterward, it was really bad. I don't want to go there, so I'm going to skip right on over that part.

I feel bad about it. I feel very losery. I feel like an ass. I hate, hate, hate that I got fired and I hate, hate, hate the way it happened. Right now is one of those low points where I am questioning everything I did and my inner bitch is being really mean to me.

Stupid inner bitch. SHUT UP SHUT UP.

New plans abound. So many possibilities. I am going back to school.

*bites nails, looks around beseechingly*

I am going back to school. I am going to be trained to do something that I want to do and that will provide me with actual money, the kind that will enable me to stop working before I fall over dead. Not a whole lot of money, I am not talking six figures. But when you think about how I got a job teaching that paid 36.5K and that still wasn't quite enough for me to comfortably live on, and how in my most recent job (retch) I made $14 an hour (which added up to just under 28K a year, and I worked there for nine months), you would be correct in assuming that the next job I have, I want to bring in more than that. More than either of them. Possibly more than both of them put together.

I mean, fuck this shit.

Of course, I want to like what I do. I also want money. And all of a sudden, this opportunity has fallen into my lap and it's up to me what I decide to do with it.

My heart is racing. I am out of Klonopin. I have no job. Breathe, breathe.

I'm going to break my lease and move back home. Yeah, yeah, I know. I really don't have another choice, and I won't have another chance like this one. My folks are going to help me, I'm going to live at home, get a part-time job, go back to school and get trained to do something that I want to do. Something that I will be good at. Something that is interesting and will keep me focused.

I don't know exactly for sure what that is yet, but I'm pretty sure I want to do something with web design.

How come one second I am happy and excited, and the next I am sad and humiliated and want to cry? Shit.

Anyway. In the meantime, I'm going to start an exercise program, stay on my meds, get a "whatever, dude" job somewhere, and get some career counseling. My health insurance will run out by the end of this month, but I think I might be able to get on Randy's, since we are, I think, still legally married (and if you have questions, please just let me know and I will tell you all about it). Anyway...I am SO SCARED and I feel so DUMB and I'm also RELIEVED and EXCITED...it changes from moment to moment, but I had a talk with my mom and everything is going to be okay.

Everything is going to be okay.