guess what, friends in the flat black box?

*DSL*DSL*DSL*DSL*DSL*

WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Randy came over last night and he done hooked it all up for me. He even gave me his old (meaning he bought it, like, last year or something. Geek) wireless router and card, and he set that up too, which means I am totally writing this to y'all whilst sitting on the terlet.

KIDDING. Totally kidding. Really.

I'm not going to say anything more about it, but I didn't get to sleep until after 7 this morning. Randy left at about 6:30. OH YEAH HE DID. And lo, it was good.

I'm feeling better these days, so much better that I can't remember the last time I was this content. I'm still wrestling with my self-image, as I have since...well, since, like, birth. But slowly, I'm coming to the realization that I am a worthwhile human being even if I am fat, even if I am suicidal, even if I am Texan. I really am beginning to not just give lip service to it, but believe it. And in the process, I'm finding forgiveness, for those who have hurt me, and for myself. I'm not kidding myself that I will always feel such peace and felicity for those who have done me wrong (namely Cindy), but one day at a time, you know. I just have to keep forgiving, keep being kind to myself, keep reminding myself, and believing that I am not perfect and I don't have to be, and really, nobody expects that from me, so I should just lay off myself.

It's not just the Lexapro. That's definitely helping, please don't get me wrong, but really, the extra dash of "RELAX PLEASE" that the xanax gives is so very necessary; and actually, I could use a bigger dose...but at least with the xanax, I can tell my shoulders to unclench, and they do.

Work has been good. I'm on vacation now, but my supervisor has moved to a different cube, so I don't always feel like I have to be on my Best Behavior, lest she be listening. I know it's not fair for me to tar her with the same brush as Cindy...they are two completely different people, two completely different types of supervisor for two completely different jobs. And really, she keeps telling me what a good job I'm doing. On my meds, I truly like my job. I really do. On my meds I can see myself staying there for a while. That takes quite a bit of pressure off, since I don't know what I want to do next.

Anyway. That's all I know. I'm good, things are good, and I thank God for that.