my first visit to the headshrinker

lalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

This morning I got up at the ungodly hour of 9am (please don't hit me, I'm delicate) to get directions to the shrink's office. At 9:45, I got in my car and drove on over there...it wasn't fifteen minutes away from my apartment and I am thanking all of God's Little Angels that it wasn't downtown (where the demons and freaks live).

Can I just state for the record: tensions were high. Lori was Nervous. One might say, if one were to describe the sensations coursing through her, that she was just a tiny tad Anxious. Yes. Anxious is a good word.

Have I mentioned that I was anxious? I was. Thank you.

Omigod, y'all, I have never been to a shrink before! This is not to say that I have never needed to see one, because whoa, have I ever.

I got there fifteen minutes early and spent the next 45 minutes filling out paperwork. My neck was stiff when I was done. I filled out a questionnaire that I have filled out a few times before, testing to see if I am depressed (check), anxious (check), have ADD (check), bipolar (praise the Lord and all his Seraphim, no check). Anyway. My shrink is East Indian, and since we're all friends here, his name is Dr. S. He was very nice. I officially have been diagnosed with severe (SEVERE! DUDE!) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, adult ADD, social phobia (!!!), and dysthymic disorder with severe anxiety. Hey, at least I don't have obsessive-compulsive disorder or schizophrenia.

In other words, I am a big mess of messy messiness.

Dr. S hypothesizes that, in the Year of the Devil (the year I taught) my ADD caused me to feel anxious and overwhelmed to the point that I was unable to satisfactorily do my job. The pressure and threats from an unsupportive, vindictive boss combined with the overwhelminess (made up a word! Thankyew!) and just general misery sparked a, frankly, impressive case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Thus! Am completely crazy. There is no way around it. I am scared of people (but not you! Not you, my flat-black-box friends!), I have flashbacks of things that happened two years ago with alarming frequency, I shake, I cannot sit still, I am incredibly easily distracted, I am all the time sad and all the time freaked out about nothing.

Oy.

What I found most interesting is that I have a type of depression I've never even heard of, called dysthymic disorder. I linked it up there, but here'>http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/dysthymic.htm">here it is again. Basically I have no highs at all. Unipolar depression (the usual major depressive disorder) has lows and periods of normalcy, but no highs. Bipolar disorder (manic depression) has spikes of highs and lows. Dysthymic depression just has lows, days upon days and years upon years of lows.

And really, I have both dysthymic and major (unipolar) depression. Dysthymic disorder is characterized as a mild type of depression. Mine is definitely not mild. This is known as "double depression." How fantastic.

I was also stunned to learn why the xanax I've been taking does work sometimes, but it didn't last long. Well, it works for only a couple of hours after it's taken, then there's a withdrawal hour! Well, duh! It's for acute anxiety and mine is chronic. I was getting so frustrated because I'd get only a few minutes (or at least that's how it felt) of relief before I'd be anxious again. So I got Klonopin! Yay! Long-lasting, will not allow my head to pop right off my shoulders and fly around the room Klonopin! Also, I am switching to Zoloft. I'm a little 'fraid, but the doctor explained that Lexapro is good for depression but was never FDA approved for anxiety. Another breakthrough, my loves! No wonder my depression seemed to ease but I still wanted to zoom out of my skin. GAH. Also, there's no evidence to support that it helps with PTSD or social phobia or ADD. Disorders! I am the Disorder Queen!

Anyway. Zoloft and Klonopin are the happy drugs of the day. I had to pay for a whole bottle of Lexapro since I was on my last pill and I still have to take half a pill for the next four days. Basically I paid $25 for a pill and a half, because I'll probably never take the rest of them. Gawd.

Also, my blood pressure was high and my pulse rate was at 120 bpm when I was sitting still, highly indicative of heightened anxiety. And I have gained back all the weight I lost on Wellbutrin. Dr. S said in his funny little accent, "Vee need to do sonshing about your weeight." To which I replied, "Yes, I know." SO! Next week when I go back (because I am coo-coo for cocoa puffs, as Kay would say), he's going to put me on something "that will cause much weeight loss." To which I replied, "Oh, that would be fabulous." I am still thinking about weight loss surgery, but if I could get it off without having surgery, it would be loverly. All this and I also get to go see a psychotherapist (not Ellie, in other words) who will wave a hand in front of my face and switch the sides of my brain around or something and that is supposed to stop the flashbacks. I'm mildly optimistic.

So--to sum:


* Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
* Dysthymic Disorder
* Severe Anxiety
* Social Phobia
* Adult ADD
* Dubious Hocus-Pocusey Psychotherapy
* Batshit Crazy

Anyhoo. Back to the shrink next week to find out if I have developed any new illnesses, like maybe dragon pox or spattergroit. (I have definitely been reading too much Harry Potter.)

Also, Randy took me out to lunch today, and then I Got Some. So, knowing what is wrong with me and that it is fixable and I got some good drugs and then I got Tex-Mex and Sex (HAW HAW)...that equals a pretty damn good day, in my opinion.

And there you have it! Proof that I'm a nutjob. Happy Thursday!